I'm gonna have a badass scar
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize