Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
