i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
