If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize