Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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