I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
