just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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