what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
whose parrot is this?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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