I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
