also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
