C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
