Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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