her vagina looked like bernie madoff
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
