the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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