i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
