I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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