you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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