i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Every concussion has its silver lining
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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