He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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