Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
