"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
