when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
