i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
