Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
