She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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