I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Still dying that you shit outside
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize