he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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