I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You are the jesus of drinking
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
