Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
