Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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