You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
