Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Randomize
