I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
