I wish my penis had an off switch
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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