It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
