My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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