Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
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