I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
