I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
