you traded sex for a burrito?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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