I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize