i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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