I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize