Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
