genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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