I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
