I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Randomize
