my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I can't put those talents on a resume
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
