He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
