that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
