Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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