I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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