I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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