this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Randomize