If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Every concussion has its silver lining
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
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