mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
