The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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