sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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