just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
