watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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