I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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