can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
