Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
