i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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