new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
