it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
