I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
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