my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize