You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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